Pit bulls and patriots

Knock, knock.

“Yeah?”

“Hi. I’m Nick Prince from the U.S. Census Bureau.”

“I don’t want any.”

“Any what?”

“Any of what you’re selling.”

“I’m not selling anything. I’m conducting a government census.”

“Goddamn government! Can’t trust ’em with my personal information.”

“It’s confidential, sir, by law.”

“Law? Whose law? Where does it say I have to tell you anything?”

“Title 13 of the U.S. Code, actually.”

“Yeah? It was written by those Socialist-Fascists-Jihadists in Washington and I’m not going to do it.”

“Is that why you’re flying the flag here?”

“Damn right. I’m a patriot. I fought and died for my country.”

Apparently your brain did. I think this but don’t say it. Instead I say, “Well, help me out here, ‘cuz I’m dying too. I’m required to gather this information or they’ll discipline me for failure to perform my duties.”

“I told you. I’m not going to do it. They’ll use the information to start locking people up.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Michelle Bachmann said so.”

“And you fact-checked this?”

“Fact? What’s that?”

“Never mind. It’s something they don’t use on your news channel.”

“Well, you can’t trust any of ’em.”

“Except Michelle Bachmann.”

“She’s looking out for our freedoms.”

“Well, this information is used by Congress to pass important bills—you know, Congress, where Michelle Bachmann works? She’d like to know how many adults and children live here. If you could just share that much, I’m sure it would help her defend your freedoms.”

“All I’m gonna say is that there are two adults, two children, twelve guns—and we know how to use ’em—and a pit bull.”

“That would be the one attached to my ankle, I presume. Tell me, are you employed?”

“Goddamn government. They’re job-killers! Nobody here has a job!”

Except the pit bull, apparently. “Thank you for your time. And have a nice day.”